Is It Right To Change Your Appearance For Others?
- Iris Kuraki
- May 15
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 14
When People Judge You by Your Appearance, You Are Forced to Start by “Clearing Up Misunderstandings”｜Part 3
In Part 1, I broke down the different ways people judge others based on appearance.
In Part 2, I talked about what it feels like to constantly be seen as “cold” or “unapproachable.” I worked hard on communication just to undo those assumptions.
I thought I was finally moving people’s impressions of me from negative to neutral, maybe even positive.
Instead, someone said:
“So… were you pretending the whole time?”
That sentence stayed with me longer than I expected.
In this final part, I want to explore something deeper:
If people misunderstand you because of your appearance, should you change your appearance to make life easier?
And if you do change yourself for others, where does it stop?
The Labeling Theory
Have you ever heard of labeling theory?
In psychology and sociology, labeling theory refers to the idea that once people assign a label to someone—“quiet,” “difficult,” “delinquent,” “cold,” “weird”—both the individual and society begin treating that label as truth.
Eventually, the person themselves may start acting according to it.
The theory was developed in the 1960s by sociologist Howard Becker, especially in criminology.
For example, if a teenager is labeled as "problematic" after making one mistake, society may continue seeing them that way, no matter what they do afterward. Over time, they may internalize the label and actually become more rebellious.
Even harmless stereotypes work similarly.
Blood type personality stereotypes in Japan are a good example. There is no scientific basis, but people still unconsciously shape themselves around those expectations.
I often hear comments like these shortly after meeting someone:
“Wow, you’re actually like that? I never would’ve guessed.”
“Really? You don’t seem like someone who’d be interested in this.”
“But you look like the kind of person who…”
People speak as if they already know me. It could be just a Japanese thing.
As if my personality had already been decided before I even opened my mouth.
Sometimes I feel myself slowly adapting to those expectations because it’s easier to do that.
Fitting into the version people already created of me feels less exhausting than constantly correcting them.
Explaining yourself over and over again becomes tiring.
Sometimes, even after becoming close to someone, their first impression of you never updates. It’s like every meeting resets them back to square one.
You become trapped inside someone else’s stereotype.
But if you stop correcting them entirely, the misunderstanding grows even worse.
What Can — and Cannot — Be Changed?
Technically, appearance can be changed.
Hair, makeup, fashion, posture, expression, body language—these are all adjustable to some degree.
Even fictional characters understand this. In Hannah Montana, Miley Stewart transforms into a pop star with nothing but a wig.
And yet, celebrities wearing disguises still get recognized in public all the time.
Why? Because there are parts of a person that clothes alone cannot fully erase.
In Part 1, I categorized the ways people judge appearance into several groups.
Some are easier to change:
Effort and investment in appearance
Facial expression, posture, and aura
Manners and presentation
But others are far more difficult:
Natural facial features
Body structure
Bone structure
I once wrote about a woman online who said:
“I’m pretty, so I only want attractive friends. I deserve that because I put effort into being pretty.”
What fascinated me wasn’t just her arrogance. It was the logic behind it.
In her worldview, effort alone isn’t enough. You must put effort into your appearance and successfully become beautiful according to society’s standards. Otherwise, your effort doesn’t count.
That mindset reflects something many people quietly believe:
Beauty is treated less like self-expression and more like social status.
Sometimes the Style You Want Simply Doesn’t Suit You
Back in university, I walked across campus with a friend when we saw a tall, stylish woman ahead of us.
She had a gender-neutral, boyish fashion style that looked effortlessly cool.
My friend suddenly said, “I wish I could dress like that.”
Then she added, “But styles like that only work if your bone structure fits it.”
That comment stayed with me.
Because she wasn’t talking about trends. She was talking about limits.
There are certain aesthetics that seem naturally aligned with certain faces, body types, or overall vibes.
Even if someone tries hard, it may never feel fully “right” for them.
My friend herself was beautiful. Her own clothes suited her perfectly.
But I realized she still felt restricted, as if the style she truly wanted belonged to someone else’s body.
That’s the uncomfortable truth about appearance:
Even if you can change parts of yourself, you cannot always become the exact version you imagine.
Astrology, Face Reading, and the Relationship Between Appearance and Personality
This may sound spiritual, but I think it’s interesting how different belief systems interpret appearance and identity.
In Western astrology:
Ascendant = first impression, appearance, social mask
Moon sign = inner self, private emotions
Sun sign = core identity and public self
In other words, appearance and inner personality are treated as separate things from the beginning.
If your outer image and inner self happen to align, that’s considered unusual.
Meanwhile, in East Asian face reading traditions, appearance and personality are believed to influence each other over time.
For example:
Droopy eyes = approachable and cooperative
Sharp eyes = ambitious and independent
Face reading suggests that habits, emotions, and lifestyle gradually shape your face itself.
According to that philosophy, changing your appearance can eventually influence your personality, and vice versa.
Interestingly, these two systems completely disagree:
Astrology says your appearance is largely predetermined.
Face reading says it evolves over time.
I don’t know which is true. But both perspectives helped me realize something important.
Humans have always tried to connect appearance with identity. We instinctively search for meaning in faces.
So… Is This All My Fault?
If appearance affects how people treat me, should I completely reinvent myself?
Should I change my fashion style? Smile constantly? Soften my face? Become more feminine?
I’ve thought about it many times.
But honestly, I still want to wear clothes I genuinely like.
I prefer clean, minimal outfits. Straight silhouettes. Neutral styles.
Ironically, those choices probably intensify my “cold” first impression.
At the same time, I know ultra-feminine styles wouldn’t feel authentic to me either.
So maybe the answer isn’t changing everything.
Maybe the only thing I truly need to adjust is my expression and atmosphere.
I looked up advice for RBF (Resting Bitch Face), which I talked about in Part 2.
Most articles recommend slightly lifting the corners of your mouth and maintaining a softer expression.
Apparently, there are even cosmetic procedures designed specifically to “fix” RBF. That surprised me.
A neutral face has become something society wants medically corrected.
Still, I’ve started practicing small changes myself. Not because I want to become a different person. But because I know people also judge whether someone is “making an effort.” And effort itself affects perception.
Finding the Positive Side
For a long time, I focused only on the negative side of being judged by appearance.
But recently, I’ve started noticing the advantages too.
Earlier in this series, I mentioned the streamer Asmongold being mistaken for homeless because of his appearance.
Oddly enough, he once said a doctor didn’t even charge him for treatment because people assumed he had no money.
If I’m going to be judged by appearance anyway, I’d appreciate at least some financial perks too.
But in my case, the benefits appear more in relationships.
A friend once told me she gave her contact information to a man because she felt too uncomfortable rejecting him directly.
Meanwhile, people rarely approach me in the first place.
Because I look “cold.”
And strangely… that can be useful.
It means I get to choose who enters my life.
People who aggressively force themselves past my boundaries usually reveal other problems later anyway.
So maybe my appearance acts as a filter.
People who immediately dislike me because of my face, expression, or vibe are probably not people I would feel emotionally safe around, regardless.
In that sense, appearance protects me too.
Acceptance Instead of Endless Correction
I still believe communication matters.
I still try to make others feel comfortable.
I still work hard to move people’s impressions of me from negative to neutral.
Over time, many friends do tell me:
“I thought you were intimidating at first, but you’re actually really kind.”
So I’ve accepted something about myself.
I’m simply the kind of person who takes time to understand. And that’s okay.
Modern beauty culture constantly tells us to optimize ourselves:
Body type analysis, color analysis, face type analysis, “ideal” fashion rules.
Some of those tools are genuinely helpful.
But at some point, endlessly trying to “fix” yourself becomes exhausting.
I no longer want to erase every part of myself that others misunderstand.
Some things can be improved. Some things should simply be embraced.
Even astrology communities online now recommend fashion styles based on your ascendant sign, not to “correct” yourself, but to work with your natural presence rather than against it.
I actually like that mindset. Not fixing yourself, and surrendering either. Just understanding yourself better.
Final Thoughts
This concludes my series:
“When People Judge You by Your Appearance, You Start by Clearing Up Misunderstandings.”
I wanted to explore:
How first impressions shape relationships
How stereotypes become labels
Why some people constantly feel misunderstood
And whether changing your appearance for others is truly the answer
If you’ve ever been told:
“You seem intimidating.”
“You looked unfriendly.”
“You don’t match your appearance.”
…then maybe you understand this feeling too.
First impressions are powerful. But they are not permanent.
This blog was originally posted on note in Japanese. The link is below:
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