“Were You Pretending This Whole Time?” What My Friend Meant When He Said I Was Acting Different

Iris Kuraki
May 15
6 min read

Updated: Jun 14

When People Judge You by Your Appearance, You Are Forced to Start by “Clearing Up Misunderstandings”｜Part 2

Check Part 1 first!

“Don’t judge people by their appearance.”

Most people agree with this idea in theory. Yet in reality, we constantly collect information from the way people look, speak, stand, and express themselves.

There’s also another popular phrase:

“Appearance is the outermost layer of the inside.”

That phrase makes appearance-based judgment feel socially acceptable. Almost intellectual, even.

In Part 1, I broke down the different ways people judge others by appearance: physical attractiveness, investment, facial expressions, manners, and intuition.

In this second part, I want to talk about something more personal:

What happens when you’re the person constantly being misunderstood?

And what it feels like to spend your life trying to “correct” people’s first impressions before they even know you.

The Version of Me Other People See

As I mentioned in the previous article, I’m usually on the receiving end of appearance-based judgment.

More specifically, I can often tell that people have already formed an opinion about me before I even speak.

This is how people tend to describe their first impression of me:

From women:

cold
serious
intimidating
hard to joke with

From men:

boring
prideful
“too serious”
the type who takes jokes literally

When I become close enough to people, I sometimes ask what they first thought of me.

These are the answers I get.

Can you picture what I probably look like just from those impressions?

There’s an interesting difference, though.

Women usually wait until we’ve become genuinely close before admitting they initially found me intimidating. I think they’re afraid it might hurt my feelings.

Men tend to say it immediately and honestly.

Either way, the result is the same: my first impression is usually negative.

And I don’t think it’s mainly because of my actual facial features. I think people judge me mostly through facial expression, which I categorized in Part 1 before.

There’s actually a perfect term for this:

RBF — “Resting Bitch Face”

When I first learned this slang term, I immediately thought:

“That’s literally me.”

RBF describes someone whose neutral face unintentionally looks angry, annoyed, or unfriendly, even when they feel completely normal.

What I like about the term is that it describes a temporary emotional appearance, not an actual personality.

People assume:

“She looks irritated.”

“She seems angry.”

“She must hate everyone.”

But irritation is not a personality trait. Neither is looking serious.

Mood and personality are different things.

That distinction matters to me.

Because when people call someone “cold” based only on appearance, they’re not really observing personality. They’re predicting personality from visual signals.

And somehow, those predictions become treated like facts.

The Exhausting Process of “Correcting” People

Here’s the problem:

People rarely approach someone who seems intimidating or boring.

So if I want social relationships to work, I have to approach them first.

I ask questions, compliment them, and make extra effort to seem approachable.

A lot of it feels like behavior designed to make people comfortable around me.

And because I’m naturally introverted, this process is exhausting.

Sometimes it even feels dishonest.

Not because I’m “faking” kindness, but because I’m constantly performing a more socially acceptable version of myself before people can reject me.

When your first impression starts at a negative number, you feel like you have to work just to reach neutral.

And the most frustrating part?

The moment I show any trait that matches people’s original assumptions, they react intensely.

Something like:

“See? I knew it. You really ARE cold.”

Every human being has multiple sides to their personality.

Yes, I can be serious sometimes.

Yes, I can be quiet.

Yes, I occasionally dislike certain jokes.

But those traits are treated as proof that the “real me” was secretly bad all along.

One moment suddenly outweighs months of kindness.

That’s how powerful first impressions are.

What Happens If I Stop Trying?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

If I behave naturally from the beginning, quietly, calmly, and introverted, I often disappear socially.

People assume that I’m unfriendly, difficult, and boring.

Even in group conversations, I slowly become invisible.

I turn into “the listener.”

Nobody asks what I think.

Nobody throws conversation topics toward me.

Eventually, people stop noticing whether I’m participating at all.

And honestly, I understand why this happens.

Social spaces reward visible warmth.

People who laugh easily, react loudly, and speak casually make others feel safe.

Quiet people often get interpreted as judgmental instead.

“So… Were You Pretending?”

Eventually, after enough effort, people’s perception of me changes.

They start saying things like:

“You’re actually really funny.”

“You’re much kinder than I expected.”

“You were intimidating at first, but you’re easy to talk to.”

At that point, I finally relaxed.

I stop over-performing socially and return to my normal, quieter self.

And that’s when someone once said to me:

“Wait… were you pretending this whole time?”

In Japanese, there’s an expression:

“neko wo kaburu” (literally: “wearing a cat" =playing coy).

This idiom refers to a situation where someone who is actually strong-willed or cunning pretends to be meek and acts gentle.

Usually, it’s used negatively.

But in my case, the meaning was reversed.

People thought my cheerful behavior was the “fake” version, and my quieter personality was the hidden truth underneath.

Ironically, I had spent all that effort trying to prove:

“I’m not as cold as you think.”

Only to be told:

“So the friendly version wasn’t the real you?”

At that moment, I realized something painful.

Even after escaping one misunderstanding, I had simply entered another.

Was All the Effort Pointless?

Let’s look again at the first impressions people usually have of me:

cold
intimidating
humorless
prideful
difficult

If someone truly had only those traits, most people wouldn’t like them.

That’s exactly why I put so much effort into communication.

Not an appearance-based effort.

Not beauty.

Not fashion.

Emotional effort is social effort.

The effort of making other people feel comfortable around me.

But when you start from a negative first impression, it becomes difficult to ever simply “be yourself.”

If you stay quiet, people confirm their negative assumptions.

If you become outgoing, people accuse you of pretending.

It starts to feel unwinnable.

If I had known from the beginning that returning to my normal self would eventually be interpreted as “fake,” maybe I would’ve stopped trying so hard in the first place.

That thought sounds bitter, but it taught me something important about human psychology:

First impressions are unbelievably powerful.

Psychologists call this the primacy effect: the tendency for early impressions to strongly shape later judgment.

Even when people eventually change their minds about you, that original image often lingers somewhere underneath.

Still, first impressions are not permanent.

My friends did eventually say:

“I misunderstood you at first.”

And that matters too.

When the Gap Works in Your Favor

Not everyone experiences appearance gaps negatively.

I once had a friend who looked extremely soft and cute, the kind of person others immediately describe as sweet and harmless.

But once you talked to her, she was actually awkward, sarcastic, and loved dark humor.

And people adored it.

Why?

Because when someone already looks lovable, unexpected traits become “charming.”

Her sarcasm became funny, cute, and unexpectedly clever.

Meanwhile, if I made the exact same joke, it could easily sound mean or hostile because of my appearance and atmosphere.

Same humor.

Different face.

Different social outcomes.

That’s when I realized some people gain social points from contrast.

Others lose them.

I actually love sarcasm and dark humor too.

But eventually I stopped expressing it openly.

Because with my expression and overall vibe, the exact same behavior could completely change how people perceive me.

Final Thoughts

The hardest part about being judged by appearance isn’t the judgment itself.

It’s the feeling that you must constantly “translate” yourself into something easier for others to accept.

You become responsible for correcting assumptions you never created.

And over time, you start wondering:

“Which version of me are people actually reacting to?”

In Part 3, I’ll talk about what I learned from these experiences, including the complicated question of whether changing your appearance is self-expression, self-protection, or social survival.

This blog was originally posted on note in Japanese. The link is below: